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Commercials are the fodder that plays wickedly between the segments of television shows I pretend not to watch. I really wonder how some of these ads make it past the drawing board. I have decided to rant about a few of my (un)favourites:

1. Every Kiss Begins With Kay.
Quite possibly the stupidest drivel ever. Of course every kiss begins with K, because K is the letter "kiss" starts with. Hmm...shiny rock. Symbol of forever loving someone, or of blatant consumerism? Perhaps this is the cynical side of me. That much money can buy a pretty hot television. Or a lot of clothes and shoes.

2. Hubert.
Hubert is a man-cat/cat-man who will do anything for Whiskas Temptations. He seems to enjoy meat, and eating these ever so tempting little doodads that my cats don't even like. And my cats eat a lot of things, like corn and green olives. But he's Hubert, damnit. And if you don't have any meat, you don't have any Hubert. If you do have meat, you can have Hubert. But you also have a cat leaving holes in your drywall and a frightening man-cat/cat-man in your laundry room covering up his feces in a litterbox. Appetizing.

3. Always. (WARNING - tmi risk.)
Let's see the many things wrong with the marketing concept of Always feminine hygiene products. Most ads for products of this nature feature young women in tight white pants or skirts, showing just how confident they are in their method of protection. Does this EVER happen in real life? On top of this, Always constantly likes to remind us to "Have A Happy Period". You know what? I'm bloated, I'm bitchy, I'm crying. I'm sitting on top of a deep freeze eating freezerburnt ice cream directly from the container. But yes, I will make sure to have a "happy" period, because you fucks told me I had to.

And what about the women out there who are trying to conceive? I'm sure when Auntie Flow shows up, they're just thrilled. It's okay, don't be sad! Always wants you to have a happy period. HAPPY! You know, like the sort of happy where you pet fluffy kitties, maybe even kitties like Hubert, and bask in how awesomely awesome it is to be a woman.

The only way Always can redeem themselves in my eyes is by changing their slogan to "Aren't you happy that this will only last for four days and not 18 years?" And perhaps they should include some species of chocolate or something. Kind of like a cereal box prize. But not like that at all, because nobody's brother would ever go near "girl stuff" to get to it.

4. Wal-Mart.
The dancy weird commercials were cool ten years ago when the Gap did them - and who could deny the relentless earworm that was "Mellow Yellow"? Then, they were tolerable when Old Navy did them, because at least Old Navy had a dog in theirs. But Wal-Mart? Oh, dear Wal-Mart. The latest back to school commercial featured a bunch of kids and teens, all dressed up in their finest Wal-Mart apparel.

I am first to admit that I love Wal-Mart. 98% of my clothing hails from good ol' Sam Walton's general store. But the pre-teens in this commercial are at the age where the odds of them admitting they bought clothes are Wal-Mart are slim-to-nil. The odds of them prancing and dancing around merrily because of their new Wally World threads are very small. I was 13 once. I wanted to punch that Rollback dude in the face. 13 year olds think Wal-Mart is Satan. Three days after you move out of your parents' house and realize Kraft Dinner and toothpaste did not come with your new place, you will agree that Wal-Mart is truly a gift from the Heavens. Until then, no dancing around about the awesomeness Wal-Mart. Leave that to us dirt poor, unfortunate twentysomethings, punk. You haven't yet earned your turn.

5. Dalton.
Dalton wants to keep our schools public. Dalton has an impressive list of plans. However, Dalton still has things on his To-Do list from last time. I am very surprised that Dalton's commercial doesn't end with "Dalton's mom approved this message and will bake fresh scones with homemade jam for everyone that votes for him". Get bent, Dalton. And no, you may not put a sign on my lawn.

6. Toenail Fungus commercial.
This commercial is most commonly played as soon as I sit down to enjoy a nice lunch. It features a scary looking "fungus" creature pulling off a cartoon toenail and climbing underneath it. This is my dog's favourite commercial because it means he gets the rest of my lunch.

7. Head-On, Apply Directly to the Forehead
Steel toed boot. Apply directly to the crotch. Repeat as necessary.

8. Listerine White
"To get 32 of her little friends their brightest, whitest, and HOTTEST."
Listen, lady. You have a whole host of problems here that I won't even address. You seriously need to find something more awesome to be a superhero about then Listerine. That look in your eye makes you sort of look like Dennis the Menace on Ritalin. You should do something constructive like fight for the rights of squirrels to have holiday parades in the street, or for emotional distress counseling for goldfish or something.

9. Tim Horton's.
Okay, so two guys come out of Timmy's and get in the car. Dude #1 goes to put his coffee where his cup holder, logically, would be located. No, no, no, Dude #1! Your coffee doesn't belong there! That's for Dude #2 only! He even got it altered for his breakfast sandwich.

Oh, Dude #1! Don't get mopey, now! He didn't mean it, and surely you won't have to actually HOLD ON to that coffee until it's gone! Don't stress, man, it's totally going to be alright. You'll make it though this. He made you one too!