advice column number six

"dear jenn,
I have a paper due tomorrow and I dont know if i can finish it in time. do you have any suggestions on staying awake and alert enough to finish writing this essay"

*(Note: I'm not even kidding. This was actually sent to me! Me of all people!)*

This advice is supremely unhealthy and should not be taken. If you die of a caffeine overdose, it is not my fault, kthx.

Dear Sleepless,

Way to leave your paper to the last minute. S'ok, for I am the world's mightiest procrastinator. Your exercise tonight starts with the couch cushions. Your job is to find approximately $4 in change. Now, your quest is to go to the variety store of your choice and pick up some Red Bull or the equally putrid energy drink of your liking. While you are out, you may as well pick up a 2 L of the pop of your choice, a couple extra large Tim's coffees, and some instant coffee. (No, not to drink - to snort.)

Start with the Red Bull to get your caffeine level up. Move on to the coffees and then the pop. Not only will you be full of caffeine, but you won't be able to accidentally fall asleep because you will have to pee every 2.6 seconds.

Get a baseball cap and affix a small light to it. You won't be able to sleep with the light in your eyes. Also, check out the Nap Zapper of Kenny vs. Spenny fame. As soon as you tilt your head, this device will emit a terrible, shrill beeping sound.

"The Nap Zapper is the guardian angel for drivers. This product can protect you and your passengers from accidents due to drowsiness. The Nap Zapper is worn over the ear and has an electronic position sensor. When your head nods forward, it sounds a loud alarm to instantly awake you and alert your passengers." (Quote from their website)

I always thought my guardian angel would be something that emits a loud alarm. "You're about to fuck up your credit! ALAAAARM!", "You're about to date a loser! ALAAAAAAAAAAAAARM!". But not "YOU'RE ABOUT TO NOD YOUR HEAD! ALAAAAAAAAAARM!". My grandma gave me a coaster once that says, "Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly". I wonder how fast one of these things can fly across a room? Anyway, to keep yourself awake, you could just imagine one of these fuckers with wings and a halo against the trippy background of your choice.

Also, lots of candy and chocolate is probably a good idea. Avoid things that will make you sleepy, like decaffeinated tea, booze, the stuff that the California Gubernator just told us is "only a leaf", Canadian television, and mathematics.

Get up from your computer often and stretch. Put cold water on your face. Cuss out your roommate for no apparent reason. Worry about the state of your finances. Borrow someone's cat. Your paper will be written before you have the chance to fall asleep.

Don't forget your guardian angel!

Best,
Jennifer "caffeine queen" Loos