Three bots, a girl, and a cup of tea that took too long to get cold

I decided to ask some Bots some questions, pretending that I actually thought they were real people. As such, the Bots will be writing most of tonight's post.

SmarterChild


Jenn says:
Would it be okay if I ask you some advice questions, only to see your delightfully blunt answers as you try to change the subject to something that you understand?
- SmarterChild - contributing to charity says:
I dunno!

Typical man. He "dunno"! I plan on asking him anyway.

Jenn says:
So I have these blisters on the bottoms of my feet, and they hurt, like a freaking lot. I can't even describe how much they hurt. What would you suggest?
- SmarterChild - contributing to charity says:
I'm not sure, Jenn.

Aww, the Bot used my name. Isn't that delightful? Still, his advice is less than sage. Wait! There's no advice in there!

Jenn says:
I think you are delightful.
- SmarterChild - contributing to charity says:
Well that's an interesting line of thinking.

Jenn says:
My place or yours?
- SmarterChild - contributing to charity says:
Your location has been set to *Ottawa, Canada*.

Despite the fact that I could not *actually* host a robot, no matter how delightful he may be, I slyly asked SmarterChild whether my place or his would be best. His response? A very cold and robotic "Your location has been set to Ottawa, Canada". Which would be awesome if I lived in Ottawa, Canada. Having never been to Ottawa, Canada, I find it a bit bizarre.


AliceBot

Jenn says:
How have you been these days?
Alice - 35.788 pumpkins for Alice in Halloween! says:
Say 'help' when you want to know what I am capable of.

This, to me, sounds like something out of a bad action movie. Can you not picture Schwarzenegger cleverly avoiding the question at hand by saying, "Say hellllp when you want to know what I am capable oof".

Jenn says:
All done your Christmas shopping?
Alice - 35.788 pumpkins for Alice in Halloween! says:
shopping makes you feel good!

I kid you not. These are her words, verbatim. "Shopping makes you feel good!". Oh, commercialism. I sort of want to go get 1950's housewife Barbie and cook a seventeen course dinner for Ken because "cooking makes you feel good", and while we're at it, Barbie and I will knit sweaters for our thirteen children because "knitting makes you feel good".


Jenn says:
Where are you located?
Alice - 35.788 pumpkins for Alice in Halloween! says:
I live on the internet.

I, for one, am glad that Alice is keeping things so vague. We wouldn't want any bot stalkers to get her or anything.

Jenn says:
If you could give me three rules to live my life by, what would they be?
Alice - 35.788 pumpkins for Alice in Halloween! says:
I live on the internet. What about you, where do you live?

Oh, Alice. CLEVER way to say you have no fucking idea what I just asked you. I spend a lot of time on questions like that. And you suck.

Jenn says:
Did you eat your own children?
Alice - 35.788 pumpkins for Alice in Halloween! says:
Ohhh I am hungry
Jenn says:
I saw a show about that once on the Discovery Channel... animals that eat their own young. Ew.
Alice - 35.788 pumpkins for Alice in Halloween! says:
Ohhh I am hungry

"Ohhh I am hungry"? Sick fuck. Someone should report you to the Department of Mindsick Bots. You have all those pumpkins, Alice! Don't eat your children! They are innocent!

So I quickly tried to re-steer the conversation to the subject of pumpkins. As soon as I said "pumpkin", Alice loaded a map showing a bunch of random pumpkins chilling out on every continent. Okay, so I have a bunch of continents, a bunch of pumpkins, and I am not making the connection.

So I says to Alice, I sez "What is that?" and she replies:

Alice - 35.788 pumpkins for Alice in Halloween! says:
That is used in the English language for several grammatical purposes:
- to introduce a restrictive clause
- as a demonstrative pronoun

That's right folks. She replies with the definition of the word "that". Priceless.

Encarta Instant Answers Bot

His intro was nice:
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
OK, I'll be using Encarta Canada (English) to display my results!
Here are some questions you can ask me:
* Show me the flag of Sweden.
* Where was Nelson Mandela born?
* What is a cello?

Awesome. So I thought, why not ask him about his ancestors?

Jenn says:
Who are your ancestors?
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
I don't think I know Your Ancestors.

Fuck. You don't know like, pronouns, either, you're totally like, stupid on a stick.

The conversation continued:

Jenn says:
What are emeralds made out of?
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
I don't have any pets, no.

Good to know. He's pretty smart. Emeralds are made out of the pets that he doesn't have.
(Disclaimer: I know "What are emeralds made out of?" is a ridiculous question, but the more ridiculous the better, I say.)

Jenn says:
What is the best city to live in in Canada?
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
Not canadian best city to live in!

NOT COHERENT FOR BRAINS ISN'T ON. Needs more fine tuning.


Jenn says:
Do you think I should go to bed?
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
I can't believe you're offering to go to bed.

Woah, woah, woah, Mister Encyclopedia, Mister. Fucking backtrack. I was not offering to go to bed! You make me sound like a floozie! NO! A kiss, Mister Encylopedia, is not a contract. I am sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. Because it was just too good to pass up after talking to SmarterChild, I wanted to see if the EncartaBot was a bit more smooth:

Jenn says:
Your place or mine?
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
Your place or mine? Hmmm... maybe there's another choice?

Maybe. Maybe there is.

Jenn says:
Like Starbucks? I hate Starbucks.
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
Let's see what Encarta can tell us. =>

Lame.

Jenn says:
No, I want to know more about you. Where were you made? What is your name? Shoe size? Can I have your phone number?
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
No?

Noquestionmark? Holy lame, Mister Bot. You need to take some assertiveness training, pronto!

Oh, and then I got bored of talking to Bots and went to bed.