don't try to feed me / i've been here before and i deserve a little more

I should be scared shitless.



I have fallen so far this year, and yet, though I'm sure if my life were a mirror, it would be shattered and rather impossible to put back together - I am more serene than I have been in years.



Snowfall blankets the city and this is the time of the year I hate the most. I don't want anything picture perfect, yet at the same time it is my first Christmas without some stupid significant other of some sort... Christmas 2005 was the last time I was actually "together" - my credit was still stellar, I was starting at Conestoga in January 2006, I had a decent job, a lazy boyfriend, and yet, it's been two years and I have none of those things right now. (One of these things is not like the other.)

2006 was when it started sliding rapidly into this little shit hole I've carved out for myself in life. I'm lucky as all hell - I still have my health, I have friends and family that love me - and maybe that's why, for the first time in years, I am not afraid to go out there and tackle this crazy little thing called life. 2006 was just last year. 2008 is starting soon. I can pull out of this.

This year I have slept on couches, bounced between jobs and boyfriends, gone through couch cushions to buy cigarettes, and grown up considerably. I have gotten too drunk too many times, drunk dialed too many people, fallen down and skinned my knees too often. I have made a long string of very dumb mistakes. That is what this year was about.

Next year is not neccessarily about fixing them so much as just making sure they don't happen again.

And that is how I know it is going to be alright.