Jenn's Rules of the Road

A Guide For Everyone But Me, On The Occasion of My Re-Learning How to Drive

1. Kindly stay the hell away from the car I am driving. Your presence freaks me out.

2. Yes, today I am abiding by the speed limit. Perhaps you could follow my example. Also, a safe following distance would be nice. I'm a new/old driver - and even though I may appear calm (to the blind observer), my over consumption of caffeine products tends to make me a tad bit jumpy.

3. If you are a transport truck, get the hell off my road.

4. In the same vein, if you are a piece of construction equipment... shouldn't you be off constructing something, kindly quite far off my road?

5. In a parking lot, you should give me the right of way, if only because I'm cute, damnit.

6. No, I don't effing know how to angle park. If you are a parking lot designer, you should take note: YOU FAIL AT LIFE for designing such an evil thing.

7. Pedestrians - when you were very young, perhaps as young as four or five, your mother took you by the hand and explained: "Look to the left, now look to the right, and if all is clear, and it is safe, you can cross the street." You seem to have warped this in your head to, "You are the pedestrian. You should be texting and/or staring at your shoes, and wear your MP3 player on super duper deafening high, so you're sure never to see or hear a car. Drivers like it when you just pop out in front of them, because it keeps them on their toes!"

8. School children. I know you get chaffeured to school on your spiffy yellow school bus. Would it kill you to cross the road where normal people cross the road? And dangnabbit, PULL UP YOUR PANTS. Why, in my day, folks wore the crotch of their pants at their crotch instead of their knees. Or if they could only afford ill-fitting pants, at least they tied a stylish plaid flannel shirt around their waist. You are a distraction to my learning. Please obtain a belt. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

9. Dear Gas Pedal in Best Friend's Car,
It has been brought to my attention that sometimes you like to go faster than the sign posted on the road. However, as a lowly typist, I lack the funds that it would cost for you to maintain such speeds, in the event that you got caught. So please, pay more attention to the signs.

10. Dear too-big ripoff "Doc Marten" shoes,
I still love you. Even if you make my foot a little too heavy on aforementioned gas pedal. It's okay. He should know better anyway.