The No Cussing Club No Cussing Challenge

I am standing in the gym at work, doing a basketball relay course in high heeled shoes and a blue flowered spring dress, despite the fact that March has entered like a lion, and, well, carried on...like a lion. I am quite worried I am going to break my ankle, having been off high heels for a very long time. The challenge is to be the first team to successfully run the relay while dribbling the ball, with a beanbag on your head. I am quite worried my tank top has sunken down and that I am leaning over a bit too far, as I meander slowly around the pylons in an attempt to eventually clumsily throw the ball into the basket.

Team building exercises are fun like that. My peers are cheering me on optimistically, "Get it in the basket, Loos!", and I toss the ball. It goes nowhere near the hoop. The beanbag falls right off my head. "Shit!", I whisper. The team has gone silent. My four letter word echoes off the walls, "Shoot!", I exclaim, a bit louder, attempting to make a recovery. Everyone knows I did not say "Shoot!" in the first place. It's common knowledge. I put the beanbag back on my head, kick off my shoes, and run back.

The other day during first aid class, our instructor opened her bag of dummies to find that one was missing in action. "FUCK!", she sighed. "Oh, I said that out loud, didn't I?". Yep, you sure did.

Enter the No Cussing Club (tm). 14 year old McKay Hatch (how pretentious can your name possibly be?) explains that his friends were cussing way too much and it was offending him, so he came up with the No Cussing Club, whose slogan is the eloquent, "Ya wanna hang with us? Don't cuss!". Oh, McKay. He goes on to explain that if his friends could say no to cussing, they could also say no to drugs, violence, and pornography. McKay's parents raised him with values, he says, and that is why he doesn't dig any of that nonsense.

McKay, McKay, McKay. Seriously? You're a fourteen year old boy. In California. Who is offended by four letter words and the idea of your middle school friends stealing a glimpse at a Playboy. Wow. In addition to this awesomeness, McKay invites people all over the world to start their own No Cussing (tm) chapters. For the low, low price of $300 (and your free speech) you will be permitted to make 50 shirts with the NCC logo and slogan on them, to hand out at your school or your church to advertise your chapter. You are advised to hand out certificates at your school and your church to those folks that are willing to end cussing forever.

So, for shits and giggles (that was somewhat intentional), I have joined the NO CUSSING (tm) club.

Check out my membership form. I filled it out like I thought someone who genuinely wanted to join this club would fill it out.



I waited patiently for my automatic electronic response from McKay himself. And behold!



Now, of course, this is just an exerpt. If you want all the No Cussing (tm) goodness, you'll have to join the club yourself. But aren't you excited at the prospect of five free hug cards and a copy of "Raising a G-Rated Family in an X-Rated World?".

I did a little bit of research on McKay's page and quickly unearthed some truths. The book Raising a G-Rated Family in an X-Rated World appears to be written by his parents. Could the No Cussing Club really just be an outlet to hawk more books for them? Oh, McKay, how could you f*cking fool me so? But there was still more to unearth, and I wasn't about to let such a delightful conservative website escape my grip quite so fast. The worst part about this is this book claims to have sold 3.5 million copies.

Behold, the Power of Positive Hugging:


Quite honestly, this picture creeps me right the f*ck out. It's also a venture from this uberconservative spawn's parents. Apparently, you are to press the button to figure out how many hugs you require on a given day. I'm not concerned with how awesomely lame this is, like, not all. I am a bit concerned with how bizarre these bears look. I mean, of course, they must be married, because they are like, all close and stuff, and unmarried people never touch each other in Conservatopia. But why does Mama Bear look completely trashed out of her mind? Why doesn't papa bear's shirt reach all the way down to his pants? And that skirt on Mama Bear... I mean, it isn't even ankle length. Blasphemy.

This thing only works at room temperature, apparently. I suppose it is the same premise as a mood ring. But would the hug card know if you were swearing? Doing teh drugz? Looking at teh nekkid peeps? Srsly. This shit is marketed to HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS. If you had handed me that thing when I was in HIGH SCHOOL, I probably would have PUNCHED YOU IN THE NOSE, and I was not a violent kid by any means.

People in the real world swear. I have seen the most proper of teachers and professors and doctors and nurses and other professionals let the odd F-bomb drop. Instead of giving four letter words so much attention, why not just let them go? If people think you have a problem with it, they are going to keep doing it. Seriously. Find something better to protest, something that seriously matters. I heard there was going to be some protest about women wearing pants or small children getting ahold of the lingerie section of the Sears book, McKay. Maybe you should track down the address.

But thanks, McKay, for letting me into your club. I won't even end this with a hearty "Go F*ck Yourself".



I mean look at that hot certificate. Your Paint skillz totally rival mine. Awesome work with the whole letting your parents pimp you out to sell books!

So you should all check out McKay's site at www.nocussing.com, and until next time, DON'T SWEAR!

(DISCLAIMER: because the website seems so totally all about the (TM) symbol, I really have to tell you that all graphics contained in this post are screenshots from the NO CUSSING CLUB (tm) website. Carry on.)