Why is the oven saying "hi"?

My darling mother has posted a Facebook photo album of me attempting to cook.


I must admit, I have made some fairly awesome strides for my age. At the age of 21 years, 6 months, and 10 days, here are the things I can honestly say I have avoided doing in my life:

• Ever frying hamburger.


• Ever barbequing anything that wasn't a hot dog.


• Ever cooking anything in a slow cooker that someone had not set up for me.


• Making mashed potatos more than once. When my attempt was fed to other people, it was remarked "were you trying to make potato soup?"


• Ever cooking a raw chicken. Or a raw pork chop, or a raw roast. Or a raw dead animal of any sort.


• Ever cooking vegetables that were not frozen.

And some true confessions:

• When I went to Conestoga, there was a potluck. I bought cookies from the Sobey's bakery and put them in a cookie tin. Of course, they were homemade! ;)
  
• I tried to fry hamburger once and got so scared I was going to set the house on fire that I handed the baster off to my mum and went outside for a cigarette to calm myself down.


• I tried to make "the easiest Chinese rice ever" once, after being assured by a family member that it was impossible to mess up. I must not have put enough water in the rice because it never cooked. I threw it away and called for real Chinese.

So, it can be established that I cannot cook. I cannot make tacos because I do not know how to brown hamburger. I will never be able to cook a turkey because I would be afraid of setting it on fire. I mostly eat Minute Rice and vegetables and perogies because they are the only uncomplicated things in my mom's house. I sometimes try to eat soup but I can rarely operate the can opener. I have some sort of oven/stove related OCD, whereby for three days after I use the oven or the stove, I am constantly wondering "did I remember to turn off the oven/stove?".

Sure, I may be deathly afraid of raw meats, fire, flame, and ovens. But I do make a mean grilled ham and cheese.

Which brings me to the title of this post.
I walked into the kitchen when my mom was cooking garlic bread in the broiler, and displayed on the screen were the two letters "HI".
"Why is the oven saying Hi?", I asked, seriously.
"Uhm, the broiler is on high."
"Oh," I said, "I thought the oven was saying hello to us."

Easy, cheap, non-messy foodstuffs for college students and/or other poor people who don't like doing dishes or washing things and are inept like me.

Eggs in A Bag
I mention my favourite easy meal, eggs in a bag, to yet another person, who stares back blankly at me. "Wait, what? Eggs...in...a bag? Ew." I beg to differ, and once most people try this breakfast/lunch/dinner concoction, they agree.

Stuff needed for Eggs in a Bag:
2 Eggs
Handful of shredded cheese (optional)
Chopped ham, peppers, and anything else you might put in an omelette (optional)
1 Sandwich Sized Ziplock baggie
1 decent sized pot full of water

How to make eggs in a bag:
1. Fill the pot with water, put heat on high.
2. While waiting for water to boil, crack 2 eggs in a mug and transfer them to the Ziplock bag.
3. Add shredded cheese and any extra fixins. Smoosh around until yolks and fixins are mixed thoroughly.
4. Push all air out of baggie and close carefully.
5. Once water is boiling, place baggie into water. Try to make sure it doesn't touch the edges of the pot. Boil until it looks done. To make sure, take baggie out of water and push on it with a fork. If it oozes, it needs to go back in.
6. Once finished, open baggie, remove egg, and serve. Throw away baggie. Rinse pot and put away.

Cheap Campbell's Imitation Tomato Soup
Stuff you need:
Very cheap can of tomato soup
Enough milk to fill the can
1 teaspoon of sugar
1 tablespoon of margarine

How to do it:
*The can of soup says you should make it with water. Disregard! No actual water is involved in this process.*
1. Empty gross looking tomato pasty crap from can and into pot.
2. Fill can with milk. Pour milk into pot.
3. Turn on heat to mediumish. Stir a lot.
4. After a few minutes, as soup is becoming warmer and turning to a lighter orange colour, add 1 tbsp of margarine.
5. Stir some more until soup is just a bit cooler than you would like it (margarine should definitely be melted by now). Add the spoonful of sugar and stir constantly until soup is at desired temperature.
6. Eat. (If the Queen isn't visiting, and you are the only one eating this soup, it can be eaten directly out of the pot, as long as you don't intend on drinking it.)

Imitation Name-Brand Chicken Vegetable and Rice Soup
Yeah, you can buy that Primo soup that costs like a $2 a can, or you can just whip up your own non-crappy soup for 50 cents and some stuffs you should have already around the house.
Stuff you'll need:
1 can cheap chicken noodle soup, or the packet kind, but that kind is really salty. (The rice takes away from the saltiness of the soup though.)
1/2 cup Minute rice
1 handful frozen mixed vegetables (I like the "Santa Fe" kind with the zucchini and brocolli and peppers, but whatever you have will totally work.)

1. Empty the can of gross looking soup into the pot and add a can of water like they told you to.
2. Put on lowish heat and stir it for a few minutes, then grab 2 small bowls. Fill each with 1/2 cup water. Put veggies in one. Put 1/2 cup Minute rice in the other. Microwave for 3-4 minutes. (If bowls are small enough you can put them both in at once.)
3. Keep stirring your soup. Glance back at the microwave to make sure nothing's exploding or on fire. When microwave beeps, go rescue stuffs from it.
4. Stir rice and veggies into soup and continue stirring until hot.
5. Turn off burner. Eat soup.

Peanut Butter Cookies
I have been experimenting with the recipe on the back of the Kraft peanut butter jar for close to three years now. I find that, despite the fact that it is advertised as "three ingredients", the recipe really needs a fourth ingredient to counteract the greasiness of the peanut butter, or else they will completely fall apart. I like the taste that brown sugar gives them, though I have successfully used quick oats and other cereals in the past. These are totally not nutritous at all because they are pure sugar, but in the winter when you can't afford flour or anything fancy like that, and you especially can't afford store bought cookies, they're awesome.

What you need:
1 cup peanut butter (if you have both smooth and crunchy, use 1/2 cup of each)
(**wet measuring cup before you add the PB, it'll be less likely to stick and mucho easier to clean!**)
1 cup white sugar
1 egg
1/4 - 1/2 cup of whatever else you are using to stabilize greasy dough (just keep adding stuff until the dough "feels right" to you.) (This ingredient largely depends on what you have on hand - brown sugar, Rice Krispies, crushed corn flakes...whatever.)
1 tsp vanilla, if you have it.

1. Preheat oven to 350 celsius. Put all ingredients into large bowl. Pretend they are the registrar's office. Or a creditor. Beat the hell out of them.
2. Spray cookie sheet with PAM (or reasonable knock off, if you have it). Roll bits of dough into 1.5"ish balls. Roll in sugar if you are feeling fancy. Creative manoevering should allow you to contain all of the balls on one cookie sheet, but if you're feeling less stealthy, there are no laws against using two.
3. Using a fork or the bottom of a cup, smush the cookies down a bit.
4. Put in oven for 8-10 minutes.
5. Cool a bit (right on the pans, we don't have no money for no bakin' racks or nuffin!) and eat.

Redneck Mocha
You ain't got no money to go to the Starbucks (o' the 7/11) to git none o' them fancy coffee drinks, but yer sick of plain ol' coffee, is ya? Redneck mocha be yer new friend.

Whatcha need:
Mug
1/2 package o' instant hot chocolate
1 teaspoon instant coffee
sugar an' melk to taste

Put the hot chocolate an' the instant grog at the bottom of the cup 'n add water. Mix it around. Add sugar and milk. Drink.

(Alternate: If ya ain't got no hot cocoa but you do gots chocolate sauce, a shot o' that'll set the redneck mocha right, too.)