Grammar Whore War: I won't tell you what that punctuation is for, but I will tell you what it's NOT for.

Dear Fellow Netizens,

I wish not to dissuade you from speaking your opinions on the Interwebz. However, could I please offer some words of wisdom?

The following are some very basic words and grammar points to see you through your next Facebook post, blog entry, message board post, fucking creepy as hell dating ad, IM, status message, or whatever the hell it is you are doing on the Internet.

1. Exhibit A: The Period

The period is one of those things you learned about in public school. It ends a sentence, and when read aloud, provides for a pause. So, without these little dudes, we'd all be speaking like an excited Britney Spears on crack in the junkfood aisle of the Supermart. "Ohmigod we totally have to get pretzels and Cheetos and pork rinds and Doritos and Cheezits and oh my gosh by the way does anyone know where Sean Preston is oh he's just out playing in traffic so it's okay oh we have to get orange juice!".
So without the period, we'd all be speaking like washed out pop stars on acid. You heard it here first, kids.

2. Exhibit B: The Comma
The comma is the one that stays on the ground, not the one that flies in the sky (').
Our sky flying friend is the apostrophe.
The two, though they look similar, are not interchangeable. (I have actually seen people do this.)
The comma does not signal that something belongs to someone (e.g. Clark,s Pigs), nor does it make something plural ("Clark,s pig,s are going to take over the world!!!!!").
Basically, if you have no sense of what the comma is for, don't attempt to use it. It will keep all of us sticklers a little bit more sane. And that's a good thing.

3. Exhibit C: The Apostrophe
The apostrophe is quite possibly the most misused tool in my toolbox. (No, that's not a euphemism for anything dirty, but if you give me a minute, I could make it one.)
People seem to think that an apostrophe can make any sentence better.
Or that it is like a four way stop for the letter s.
No, Virginia. In order to make a word plural, never ever ever ever do you incorporate my innocent friend the apostrophe. If I see a sign at a store one more time that says Diaper's, or Widget's, or Banana's, or anything to that effect, I am going up to the manager to inquire what possession of the diaper or the widget or the banana that he is trying to sell to me.

4. Exhibit D: &
Oh, the ampersand. I love you. You take a word that is three whole letters long and make it into a symbol. Kind of like Prince's name. You're efficient - a Bic lighter as compared to matches. And that's why I love you. However, scene kids have lately taken to whoring you out as a symbol of high fashion, when they type things like this:

"&& i wAs jUsT wAlKiN 2 tEh mAlL && hE tOtAlLy sMiiLeD @@ mE && i jUsT kNo iTs lUv."

Okay. That was painful to type. First of all, parents - if your child is communicating with other individuals of the human species using such language, you need to be shot for allowing such vile abuse of the English language to occur under your roof. Honestly. This is equivalent to screaming, "I AM A STUPID WHORE WHO CAN'T SPEAK ENGLISH AND USES PUNCTUATION MARKS AS A FASHION STATEMENT!" to a stickler. The children cannot be shot because they don't know any better.

So, Ampersand, I am sorry. Maybe someday we can go out for drinks and I will promise to try to alleviate this terrible thing that has happened to you.

5. Exhibit E: Your VS You're.

People! People! This is not difficult. Yet, it is something we see every day.
"You're" is the one that means "you are". That's what that little apostrophe guy means. He means we've taken something out (in this case, a space, and an a) and smooshed two words together (in this case "you" and "are"). And that's what it means. "Your" signifies something that belongs to me. So if you say "YOUR ANNOYING!" I am going to look puzzled and reply, "My annoying...what?"

It's a tough shake being a grammar geek. Nobody really understands the horror we feel when someone does something that they should know better than to do. For instance, quotation marks as emphasis. No. Just don't. An underline is a tool for emphasis. Italics are a good tool for emphasis. Quotation marks are good tools to denote quotations.

Anyway, I have to stop obsessively obsessing about the terrible state of punctuation today and actually go to sleep.

Be well,
Jennifer