my advice column! first letter!

Dear Jenn,
My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago and still hasn't given me my stuff back. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Virginia*

*names have been changed to protect the innocent

Dear Virginia,

This is a problem I have had before. Sometimes men like to hold on to whatever shards remain of the relationship, long after you have broken all the picture frames and thrown darts at the photos.

I have a suggestion for you. Like many of my suggestions, it is not ethical. Virginia, I have two words for you: pregnancy scare.

Phone him up and tell him you need him to come to the doctor with you "for some tests". Sound rather worried on the phone, and tell him how badly you need him there. If he has any fraction of a heart, of course he will go with you. If he has any fraction of a brain, or a tendency toward paranoia, of course he's going to worry about these "tests". They're either for pregnancy (18 years of child support, anyone?) or some terrible STD. Or mono. Actually, they could just be for iron levels in your blood, but he's not going to think of something like that. No.

So once you have him baited to meet you at the medical facility of your choice, you phone him again. Sound equally distraught. Say that circumstances in your life are changing rapidly and you need your stuff back because you're not sure how long it will be before you get sent to the convent.

If you have any of his sweaters and he asks for them back, say you need to hang on to them for a little while - he can have them back in approximately nine months when you don't need them anymore.

Now your ex is scared out of his mind, thinking that you are carrying his child. He's going to want to be on your good side, so he can convince you to terminate the "pregnancy" or put the "baby" up for adoption or move to Timbuctu.

You'll have your stuff back before your "doctor's appointment".

Good luck!
Jennifer "don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die" Loos