advice column #0002

Dear Jenn,
It's Virginia again. I recently moved in with a roommate who I can't stand. She has taken over my apartment! Any suggestions on how to keep her from ruining my life? Please help! I'm at wit's end!

Dear Virginia,

I have had some very awesome roommates and some fairly terrible roommates, so I can definitely empathize with your situation.

I know you are a kind hearted girl, so it may be hard for you to take my advice. You are going to have to be passive aggressive enough that this bitch will want to move out.

Start with the bathroom. You need to call your grandmother and inquire as to whether she has any shower curtains from 1976. Shower curtains of this era are typically the world's most disgusting shade of green, or feature "interesting" prints. Once you've secured the world's ugliest shower curtain, you need to put it up and do a complete revamp of your entire bathroom. Miss Bitch's toothbrush now lives in an old Leon's mug, on top of the toilet, next to the air freshener spray. Cover it in barbeque sauce for a stunning visual effect! And if bitch has too many bars of soap or bottles of shampoo, toss them out and say you threw everything out that had DC Blue #7 in it because you learned it's made by children in a small factory overseas and you don't agree with it. If Bitch gets angry, accuse her of being a hardcore supporter of child labour.

Move to the kitchen now. You've joined a new cult religion that doesn't let you eat anything but oatmeal. You also have a problem with sleep walking and eating food, so everything that isn't oatmeal needs to thrown away for you to maintain your spirtual fulfillment. If Bitch says you're being unreasonable and that you threw out all her food, remind her that there's plenty of oatmeal and a seat for her at your next "meeting".

In the living room, remove the television and any stereo equipment. Replace them with a game of Pictionary and a harmonica. Explain that you are moving towards a simplified lifestyle. Disable any wireless Internet capabilities you may have in your house and dispose of all cordless phones and remote controls - as you are concerned that the "rays" from these items cause cancer. If she explains that this is unreasonable, tell her that you are just looking out for the goodness of her health. Does she really want to get cancer?

A few days of this peculiar behaviour, and your roomie will be looking for new housing, probably on the other side of the city. At this point you get to send the shower curtain back to your grandma, buy some tasty new groceries, and invite some cute boys to come over to hook your TV and stereo back up.

Best of luck!

Jennifer "if that fails, just quit paying the bills" Loos