advice column #0003

Dear Jenn,
I've been working the same job for over 2 months and I still haven't received a raise. It is my belief that, after working my ass off, I deserve some kind of monetary compensation. How should I approach my boss with this sensitive subject?

Dear Raiseless,

You need to tell your boss that he is a cheap bastard, without coming out and saying "you are a cheap bastard". Luckily, I have never been in this situation.

I would take Mr. Cheapskate aside and ask him if there is a convenient time for you to meet in his office to discuss a matter of concern. If you work in a call centre, tell him you'll meet him outside in the smoking area...same Bat time, same Bat channel.

Whether or not he promised you a raise when you were hired, pretend to be confused about the promise of the invisible raise. Bring it up casually. Say, "When I was hired, I was told that I would get a raise after two months. I was just wondering what I could do to increase my performance to get it to a level where I would be worthy of this raise."

Corporate soul suckers love this shit. They really do. You're inquiring as to how you could increase your performance, to meet your bosses' goals. You're not whining and throwing a tantrum about the lack of raise. Keep your cool. Talk sweetly. Explain that you've had another offer of employment, and they pay $x more per hour, and you'd love to stay with current company but you really need the money. Pretend to cry at the prospect of leaving. And the training! Think of all that money the company wasted on your training! How terrible that they'll have to train another person, when you already know the job!

If boss doesn't eat this up and give you the raise, he's a stupid moron and you don't want to be working for him anyway. You're just looking out for his business, after all!

Jennifer "couldn't raise the dead, probably won't try" Loos