Saturday, October 27, 2007

advice column #0004

Dear Jenn,
Do long distance relationships work? I met a guy last winter when my family was skiing in Quebec and we totally fell in love. The only problem is he lives 6 hours away from me. I really like him and I want to make our relationship work. What advice to do you have about maintaining our relationship?


Dear Not Jaded,

Before you start to read this, do us both a favour and go buy a pint of double chocolate fudge brownie ice cream and a mickey 26er of the hard liquor of your choice.

Back? Good.

My dear friend, I hate to break it to you...but no. Long distance relationships do not work.
Blah blah blah, skiing, Quebec, totally fell in love. Cute story. I'm happy for you. But darling, you are not in love. You are probably in lust and might even be in like, but you are not in love. Somewhere in the Book of Love, it says that it is not possible to love someone until nine of the following twelve conditions have been met: he's bought you a car, he's bought you a house, he's bought you a ring, you've done his laundry, you've cleaned up his toenail clippings, you know what he talks about in his sleep, you know his first pet's name and he knows your's, you have a toothbrush at his house, you've stolen his clothes on more than one occasion, you've bought him a razor/deodorant/other item pertinant to personal hygiene, he's woken up next to you in the morning and not been afraid, and/or the sex isn't absolutely terrible.

He's going to tell you he loves you, and you're going to think you love him. You will spend lots of money and time taking journeys to visit him. But oh, something/someone better will come along, yes. Something tempting. "And oh, my darling Not Jaded will never know! Muahaha!". And then he'll feel guilty. And then he won't call you. And then you'll be wondering, constantly wondering. And then one day he'll grow the balls to tell you that it's over. And this "relationship" that you've soaked so much of yourself into is over.

So I advise you to get rid of the ski boy and get some new boyfriends. I suggest Ben and Jerry (it's okay, they're cool with it!), Mr. Jack Daniels (he will certainly help soothe your weary soul), Colonel Saunders (fried chicken makes everything better), Ronald McDonald (nothing better than intestinal distress to remind you you're alive), and Mr. O. Pekoe of the Lipton tea company.

Tell long distance boy you have a mission to walk across Mars or something, and have to leave the country. That way you leave yourself an out if you're ever desperate and need him back. But you won't.

Ta!
Jennifer "not going the distance" Loos

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