jenn can has cheezburger?
jenn can has cheezburger.
jenn can has cookies?
jenn can has cookies.
jenn can has fifty cups of tea?
jenn can has fifty cups of tea.
jenn can has sanity?
no, jenn can not has sanity!
Saturday, November 24, 2007
there comes a critical turning point in life
when you're sick and you feel like hell and you WANT to go to work because you WANT the money but you CAN'T go to work with something contagious when you work in healthcare, so you call and you're like yo, do i come to work today? and they're like NO, NOT IF YOU SOUND LIKE THAT YOU DON'T.
and instead of being like "YAY! HOOKY DAY! LET'S GET SOME BEERS!" you're more like "SHIT! I NEED MONEY!".
and that is how you know you're officially a grown-up.
and instead of being like "YAY! HOOKY DAY! LET'S GET SOME BEERS!" you're more like "SHIT! I NEED MONEY!".
and that is how you know you're officially a grown-up.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
i can't understand you if:
a) you aren't speaking english.
b) you are using directions like "the thing! get the thing! didn't you learn this in school?". actually, yes, i very likely did learn it in school, but "let's go get the thing from the thing" just doesn't help me. "you know...the THING!" also doesn't help me. let's try more specific nouns, kthx. (some you might enjoy: sock, brief, notes, binder, pen, gloves, soap...)
c) you have a very heavy spanish accent and are yelling over various machines that you would like me to do four trillion lunges across the gym and back.
d) you are the guy at tim horton's who messed up my order, TWO SUGARS TWO CREAMS HOW HARD IS IT? apparently at 4:45 am it is hard. but you know what, buddy? i'm awake to go to work and you are AT work, so ya should be awake, kthx.
e) you are the old man at mac's milk who is all like "king sized chocolate bar cheaper! buy king size!"... dear old man at mac's milk: i'm sneaking this chocolate bar on way to the gym. do not encourage me.
f) we've ever had the following conversation:
"it's not you, it's me"
ps: (it's actually you.)
b) you are using directions like "the thing! get the thing! didn't you learn this in school?". actually, yes, i very likely did learn it in school, but "let's go get the thing from the thing" just doesn't help me. "you know...the THING!" also doesn't help me. let's try more specific nouns, kthx. (some you might enjoy: sock, brief, notes, binder, pen, gloves, soap...)
c) you have a very heavy spanish accent and are yelling over various machines that you would like me to do four trillion lunges across the gym and back.
d) you are the guy at tim horton's who messed up my order, TWO SUGARS TWO CREAMS HOW HARD IS IT? apparently at 4:45 am it is hard. but you know what, buddy? i'm awake to go to work and you are AT work, so ya should be awake, kthx.
e) you are the old man at mac's milk who is all like "king sized chocolate bar cheaper! buy king size!"... dear old man at mac's milk: i'm sneaking this chocolate bar on way to the gym. do not encourage me.
f) we've ever had the following conversation:
"it's not you, it's me"
ps: (it's actually you.)
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
10 Reasons why November 12 - 13 FUCKING BLOWS.
1. Woke up. Got in fight with brother over something petty and retarded.
2. Went to St. T to get criminal record check for new job. Police detachment closed for Remembrance Day.
3. Went to London with Dad to look at random piece of machinery. After over an hour of looking at said piece of machinery, it was decided that said piece of machinery was not awesome enough to be added to the Loos Collection of Random Machinery.
4. Went to Wal Mart to see if they had any cheap scrubs. They did. But they were the most hideous colour of lime green I've ever seen in my life. Left with no scrubs.
5. Moved into the Boullee House exactly one year ago Nov 12. Miss rad people at Boullee house.
6. Broke up with ex-boyfriend exactly one year ago Nov 13. Miss stupidest, most trivial, dumbass things about ex-boyfriend.
7. Started at TriOS exactly one year ago Nov 13. Miss class and teachers.
8. Future Shop found my phone number and knows where I am and I owe them lots of money.
9. Moving in 48 hours, still not completely sure of my couch hopping route for the next two weeks. Or how I will afford to eat.
10. Must do following tomorrow: bank, dr's appointment, typing gig, get criminal record check, tie up loose ends in town, a bazillion loads of laundry, somehow stay sane.
Dear November,
You fucking blow the big one.
No love,
Me.
Redeeming points about November:
Kenny vs. Spenny Season 3 comes out on DVD tomorrow.
As does Shrek III.
Christmas is in only 44 days, at which point I will be receiving a cozy new Roots sweater and hopefully some yummy candy. That's all I want. (I will probably be spending Christmas at work, but alas.)
Egg nog should be out soon if it isn't already.
The panhandling should get more lucrative as more people get into the holiday spirit.
(Okay, that last one is a joke. Spare some change?)
2. Went to St. T to get criminal record check for new job. Police detachment closed for Remembrance Day.
3. Went to London with Dad to look at random piece of machinery. After over an hour of looking at said piece of machinery, it was decided that said piece of machinery was not awesome enough to be added to the Loos Collection of Random Machinery.
4. Went to Wal Mart to see if they had any cheap scrubs. They did. But they were the most hideous colour of lime green I've ever seen in my life. Left with no scrubs.
5. Moved into the Boullee House exactly one year ago Nov 12. Miss rad people at Boullee house.
6. Broke up with ex-boyfriend exactly one year ago Nov 13. Miss stupidest, most trivial, dumbass things about ex-boyfriend.
7. Started at TriOS exactly one year ago Nov 13. Miss class and teachers.
8. Future Shop found my phone number and knows where I am and I owe them lots of money.
9. Moving in 48 hours, still not completely sure of my couch hopping route for the next two weeks. Or how I will afford to eat.
10. Must do following tomorrow: bank, dr's appointment, typing gig, get criminal record check, tie up loose ends in town, a bazillion loads of laundry, somehow stay sane.
Dear November,
You fucking blow the big one.
No love,
Me.
Redeeming points about November:
Kenny vs. Spenny Season 3 comes out on DVD tomorrow.
As does Shrek III.
Christmas is in only 44 days, at which point I will be receiving a cozy new Roots sweater and hopefully some yummy candy. That's all I want. (I will probably be spending Christmas at work, but alas.)
Egg nog should be out soon if it isn't already.
The panhandling should get more lucrative as more people get into the holiday spirit.
(Okay, that last one is a joke. Spare some change?)
Thursday, November 8, 2007
The weekend that will be!
That's right, kids - when you're unemployed there is no definite "weekend" to speak of, so mine is starting today.
Going to Manda's and then Becka's and then a job interview tomorrow @ a retirement home and then more chilling and then heading off to Newmarket.
I'll be home when I get home.
Ta!
Going to Manda's and then Becka's and then a job interview tomorrow @ a retirement home and then more chilling and then heading off to Newmarket.
I'll be home when I get home.
Ta!
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Three bots, a girl, and a cup of tea that took too long to get cold
I decided to ask some Bots some questions, pretending that I actually thought they were real people. As such, the Bots will be writing most of tonight's post.
SmarterChild
Jenn says:
Would it be okay if I ask you some advice questions, only to see your delightfully blunt answers as you try to change the subject to something that you understand?
- SmarterChild - contributing to charity says:
I dunno!
Typical man. He "dunno"! I plan on asking him anyway.
Jenn says:
So I have these blisters on the bottoms of my feet, and they hurt, like a freaking lot. I can't even describe how much they hurt. What would you suggest?
- SmarterChild - contributing to charity says:
I'm not sure, Jenn.
Aww, the Bot used my name. Isn't that delightful? Still, his advice is less than sage. Wait! There's no advice in there!
Jenn says:
I think you are delightful.
- SmarterChild - contributing to charity says:
Well that's an interesting line of thinking.
Jenn says:
My place or yours?
- SmarterChild - contributing to charity says:
Your location has been set to *Ottawa, Canada*.
Despite the fact that I could not *actually* host a robot, no matter how delightful he may be, I slyly asked SmarterChild whether my place or his would be best. His response? A very cold and robotic "Your location has been set to Ottawa, Canada". Which would be awesome if I lived in Ottawa, Canada. Having never been to Ottawa, Canada, I find it a bit bizarre.
AliceBot
Jenn says:
How have you been these days?
Alice - 35.788 pumpkins for Alice in Halloween! says:
Say 'help' when you want to know what I am capable of.
This, to me, sounds like something out of a bad action movie. Can you not picture Schwarzenegger cleverly avoiding the question at hand by saying, "Say hellllp when you want to know what I am capable oof".
Jenn says:
All done your Christmas shopping?
Alice - 35.788 pumpkins for Alice in Halloween! says:
shopping makes you feel good!
I kid you not. These are her words, verbatim. "Shopping makes you feel good!". Oh, commercialism. I sort of want to go get 1950's housewife Barbie and cook a seventeen course dinner for Ken because "cooking makes you feel good", and while we're at it, Barbie and I will knit sweaters for our thirteen children because "knitting makes you feel good".
Jenn says:
Where are you located?
Alice - 35.788 pumpkins for Alice in Halloween! says:
I live on the internet.
I, for one, am glad that Alice is keeping things so vague. We wouldn't want any bot stalkers to get her or anything.
Jenn says:
If you could give me three rules to live my life by, what would they be?
Alice - 35.788 pumpkins for Alice in Halloween! says:
I live on the internet. What about you, where do you live?
Oh, Alice. CLEVER way to say you have no fucking idea what I just asked you. I spend a lot of time on questions like that. And you suck.
Jenn says:
Did you eat your own children?
Alice - 35.788 pumpkins for Alice in Halloween! says:
Ohhh I am hungry
Jenn says:
I saw a show about that once on the Discovery Channel... animals that eat their own young. Ew.
Alice - 35.788 pumpkins for Alice in Halloween! says:
Ohhh I am hungry
"Ohhh I am hungry"? Sick fuck. Someone should report you to the Department of Mindsick Bots. You have all those pumpkins, Alice! Don't eat your children! They are innocent!
So I quickly tried to re-steer the conversation to the subject of pumpkins. As soon as I said "pumpkin", Alice loaded a map showing a bunch of random pumpkins chilling out on every continent. Okay, so I have a bunch of continents, a bunch of pumpkins, and I am not making the connection.
So I says to Alice, I sez "What is that?" and she replies:
Alice - 35.788 pumpkins for Alice in Halloween! says:
That is used in the English language for several grammatical purposes:
- to introduce a restrictive clause
- as a demonstrative pronoun
That's right folks. She replies with the definition of the word "that". Priceless.
Encarta Instant Answers Bot
His intro was nice:
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
OK, I'll be using Encarta Canada (English) to display my results!
Here are some questions you can ask me:
* Show me the flag of Sweden.
* Where was Nelson Mandela born?
* What is a cello?
Awesome. So I thought, why not ask him about his ancestors?
Jenn says:
Who are your ancestors?
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
I don't think I know Your Ancestors.
Fuck. You don't know like, pronouns, either, you're totally like, stupid on a stick.
The conversation continued:
Jenn says:
What are emeralds made out of?
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
I don't have any pets, no.
Good to know. He's pretty smart. Emeralds are made out of the pets that he doesn't have.
(Disclaimer: I know "What are emeralds made out of?" is a ridiculous question, but the more ridiculous the better, I say.)
Jenn says:
What is the best city to live in in Canada?
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
Not canadian best city to live in!
NOT COHERENT FOR BRAINS ISN'T ON. Needs more fine tuning.
Jenn says:
Do you think I should go to bed?
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
I can't believe you're offering to go to bed.
Woah, woah, woah, Mister Encyclopedia, Mister. Fucking backtrack. I was not offering to go to bed! You make me sound like a floozie! NO! A kiss, Mister Encylopedia, is not a contract. I am sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. Because it was just too good to pass up after talking to SmarterChild, I wanted to see if the EncartaBot was a bit more smooth:
Jenn says:
Your place or mine?
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
Your place or mine? Hmmm... maybe there's another choice?
Maybe. Maybe there is.
Jenn says:
Like Starbucks? I hate Starbucks.
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
Let's see what Encarta can tell us. =>
Lame.
Jenn says:
No, I want to know more about you. Where were you made? What is your name? Shoe size? Can I have your phone number?
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
No?
Noquestionmark? Holy lame, Mister Bot. You need to take some assertiveness training, pronto!
Oh, and then I got bored of talking to Bots and went to bed.
SmarterChild
Jenn says:
Would it be okay if I ask you some advice questions, only to see your delightfully blunt answers as you try to change the subject to something that you understand?
- SmarterChild - contributing to charity says:
I dunno!
Typical man. He "dunno"! I plan on asking him anyway.
Jenn says:
So I have these blisters on the bottoms of my feet, and they hurt, like a freaking lot. I can't even describe how much they hurt. What would you suggest?
- SmarterChild - contributing to charity says:
I'm not sure, Jenn.
Aww, the Bot used my name. Isn't that delightful? Still, his advice is less than sage. Wait! There's no advice in there!
Jenn says:
I think you are delightful.
- SmarterChild - contributing to charity says:
Well that's an interesting line of thinking.
Jenn says:
My place or yours?
- SmarterChild - contributing to charity says:
Your location has been set to *Ottawa, Canada*.
Despite the fact that I could not *actually* host a robot, no matter how delightful he may be, I slyly asked SmarterChild whether my place or his would be best. His response? A very cold and robotic "Your location has been set to Ottawa, Canada". Which would be awesome if I lived in Ottawa, Canada. Having never been to Ottawa, Canada, I find it a bit bizarre.
AliceBot
Jenn says:
How have you been these days?
Alice - 35.788 pumpkins for Alice in Halloween! says:
Say 'help' when you want to know what I am capable of.
This, to me, sounds like something out of a bad action movie. Can you not picture Schwarzenegger cleverly avoiding the question at hand by saying, "Say hellllp when you want to know what I am capable oof".
Jenn says:
All done your Christmas shopping?
Alice - 35.788 pumpkins for Alice in Halloween! says:
shopping makes you feel good!
I kid you not. These are her words, verbatim. "Shopping makes you feel good!". Oh, commercialism. I sort of want to go get 1950's housewife Barbie and cook a seventeen course dinner for Ken because "cooking makes you feel good", and while we're at it, Barbie and I will knit sweaters for our thirteen children because "knitting makes you feel good".
Jenn says:
Where are you located?
Alice - 35.788 pumpkins for Alice in Halloween! says:
I live on the internet.
I, for one, am glad that Alice is keeping things so vague. We wouldn't want any bot stalkers to get her or anything.
Jenn says:
If you could give me three rules to live my life by, what would they be?
Alice - 35.788 pumpkins for Alice in Halloween! says:
I live on the internet. What about you, where do you live?
Oh, Alice. CLEVER way to say you have no fucking idea what I just asked you. I spend a lot of time on questions like that. And you suck.
Jenn says:
Did you eat your own children?
Alice - 35.788 pumpkins for Alice in Halloween! says:
Ohhh I am hungry
Jenn says:
I saw a show about that once on the Discovery Channel... animals that eat their own young. Ew.
Alice - 35.788 pumpkins for Alice in Halloween! says:
Ohhh I am hungry
"Ohhh I am hungry"? Sick fuck. Someone should report you to the Department of Mindsick Bots. You have all those pumpkins, Alice! Don't eat your children! They are innocent!
So I quickly tried to re-steer the conversation to the subject of pumpkins. As soon as I said "pumpkin", Alice loaded a map showing a bunch of random pumpkins chilling out on every continent. Okay, so I have a bunch of continents, a bunch of pumpkins, and I am not making the connection.
So I says to Alice, I sez "What is that?" and she replies:
Alice - 35.788 pumpkins for Alice in Halloween! says:
That is used in the English language for several grammatical purposes:
- to introduce a restrictive clause
- as a demonstrative pronoun
That's right folks. She replies with the definition of the word "that". Priceless.
Encarta Instant Answers Bot
His intro was nice:
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
OK, I'll be using Encarta Canada (English) to display my results!
Here are some questions you can ask me:
* Show me the flag of Sweden.
* Where was Nelson Mandela born?
* What is a cello?
Awesome. So I thought, why not ask him about his ancestors?
Jenn says:
Who are your ancestors?
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
I don't think I know Your Ancestors.
Fuck. You don't know like, pronouns, either, you're totally like, stupid on a stick.
The conversation continued:
Jenn says:
What are emeralds made out of?
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
I don't have any pets, no.
Good to know. He's pretty smart. Emeralds are made out of the pets that he doesn't have.
(Disclaimer: I know "What are emeralds made out of?" is a ridiculous question, but the more ridiculous the better, I say.)
Jenn says:
What is the best city to live in in Canada?
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
Not canadian best city to live in!
NOT COHERENT FOR BRAINS ISN'T ON. Needs more fine tuning.
Jenn says:
Do you think I should go to bed?
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
I can't believe you're offering to go to bed.
Woah, woah, woah, Mister Encyclopedia, Mister. Fucking backtrack. I was not offering to go to bed! You make me sound like a floozie! NO! A kiss, Mister Encylopedia, is not a contract. I am sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. Because it was just too good to pass up after talking to SmarterChild, I wanted to see if the EncartaBot was a bit more smooth:
Jenn says:
Your place or mine?
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
Your place or mine? Hmmm... maybe there's another choice?
Maybe. Maybe there is.
Jenn says:
Like Starbucks? I hate Starbucks.
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
Let's see what Encarta can tell us. =>
Lame.
Jenn says:
No, I want to know more about you. Where were you made? What is your name? Shoe size? Can I have your phone number?
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
No?
Noquestionmark? Holy lame, Mister Bot. You need to take some assertiveness training, pronto!
Oh, and then I got bored of talking to Bots and went to bed.
Friday, November 2, 2007
warm milk and teh dog from hell
even though warm milk is the most disgustingly vile thing on the planet, it does help me get to sleep sometimes. so i figured hey, why the fruck not, and set about going upstairs to get me a cuppa.
i figure i can't use the microwave. far too beepy. if you'll remember the entry about the books made of paper, my mother doesn't sleep very deeply. so i decide i'll go all 1850s and heat up my cup of milk in a pot. virtually silent. stir it around for two or three minutes, rinse the pot, leisurely sip it, sleep. plus, these folks should be in their deepest stage of REM sleep right now. shouldn't they? shouldn't they?! even the dog that refuses to move until noon should be snoring. hell, i can hear ALL OF THEM snoring through the floor. even the dog, and the mom that doesn't sleep. (no, i don't know how it works either). even socks lies in the rocking chair next to my bed doing her weird snoregrowl thing. the only one i don't hear snoring is the elusive babycat, who is probably snoring in the living room but doesn't have the lung power to broadcast to me. this whole house is fucking comatose. so of course it is time to be a rebel and run upstairs and get some milk!
so i tiptoe upstairs and am relieved to find that milk is rather plentiful. i gingerly and silently remove a pot from the evil ikea pot rack. i pour the milk in and put the stove on medium, and start stirring it around. i am amazed by how silent i am. i am fucking silencio. i have not made a peep. and then i hear it.
it comes running to me like it hasn't seen me in three thousand years. it shakes its beastly head and many dog tags, making the most noise i've ever heard at three in the morning. it yawns. it sounds like a dying power inverter, high pitched and shrill. it wants to know what i am doing in its kitchen at 3 am with a pot of milk on the stove. i tell it to be quiet. it does not understand english. it is about to vocalize its concerns about the hermit from the basement being upstairs at such an hour. it is about to voice these concerns loudly.
i am stuck. despite my measures to be completely and unabashedly silent, puggles hath heard my silent milk run. he has begun his signal again. (as soon as he shakes his many dog tags to make such ruckus, it signals mom to come out and say in a frustrated voice, "what the hell are you doing up?"). so i am left with little choice. i swiftly pour the very lukewarm milk into a mug and half assedly rinse out the pot*. i turn off the oven and run to the bottom of the stairs. puggles looks down at me, as if to say, "that's right, hermit. and STAY there."
i sit in my bed just in time to hear mom getting up out of bed.
i grin a grin of contentment, knowing that i narrowly escaped a) having to explain why i was upstairs warming milk in a pot all 1850s style and b) a lecture about why i shouldn't be awake at 3 am.
i look down to my mug to learn that socks has awoken from her snoregrowling and decided to play her own version of silencio. her fucking head is in my goddamn mug.
the calcium gods just do not want me to enjoy a nice cup of milk tonight.
*i will wash it in the morning
i figure i can't use the microwave. far too beepy. if you'll remember the entry about the books made of paper, my mother doesn't sleep very deeply. so i decide i'll go all 1850s and heat up my cup of milk in a pot. virtually silent. stir it around for two or three minutes, rinse the pot, leisurely sip it, sleep. plus, these folks should be in their deepest stage of REM sleep right now. shouldn't they? shouldn't they?! even the dog that refuses to move until noon should be snoring. hell, i can hear ALL OF THEM snoring through the floor. even the dog, and the mom that doesn't sleep. (no, i don't know how it works either). even socks lies in the rocking chair next to my bed doing her weird snoregrowl thing. the only one i don't hear snoring is the elusive babycat, who is probably snoring in the living room but doesn't have the lung power to broadcast to me. this whole house is fucking comatose. so of course it is time to be a rebel and run upstairs and get some milk!
so i tiptoe upstairs and am relieved to find that milk is rather plentiful. i gingerly and silently remove a pot from the evil ikea pot rack. i pour the milk in and put the stove on medium, and start stirring it around. i am amazed by how silent i am. i am fucking silencio. i have not made a peep. and then i hear it.
it comes running to me like it hasn't seen me in three thousand years. it shakes its beastly head and many dog tags, making the most noise i've ever heard at three in the morning. it yawns. it sounds like a dying power inverter, high pitched and shrill. it wants to know what i am doing in its kitchen at 3 am with a pot of milk on the stove. i tell it to be quiet. it does not understand english. it is about to vocalize its concerns about the hermit from the basement being upstairs at such an hour. it is about to voice these concerns loudly.
i am stuck. despite my measures to be completely and unabashedly silent, puggles hath heard my silent milk run. he has begun his signal again. (as soon as he shakes his many dog tags to make such ruckus, it signals mom to come out and say in a frustrated voice, "what the hell are you doing up?"). so i am left with little choice. i swiftly pour the very lukewarm milk into a mug and half assedly rinse out the pot*. i turn off the oven and run to the bottom of the stairs. puggles looks down at me, as if to say, "that's right, hermit. and STAY there."
i sit in my bed just in time to hear mom getting up out of bed.
i grin a grin of contentment, knowing that i narrowly escaped a) having to explain why i was upstairs warming milk in a pot all 1850s style and b) a lecture about why i shouldn't be awake at 3 am.
i look down to my mug to learn that socks has awoken from her snoregrowling and decided to play her own version of silencio. her fucking head is in my goddamn mug.
the calcium gods just do not want me to enjoy a nice cup of milk tonight.
*i will wash it in the morning
The Ten Things I Hate The Most
1. How there isn't even ONE FUCKING day between Halloween and Christmas. Seriously. I went to the pharmacy today and it was all decked out for Christmas. Gah.
2. Teenage girls. Especially in movie theatres. On cell phones. Giggling.
3. Facebook application invites. To stuff that is stupid. Or invites to groups that are stupid. No, I don't want to help you set a world record for the largest Facebook group. Because that's gay. And I don't give a fucking shit.
4. Stupid people on MSN. Why, oh why do you need an emoticon for every word? WHY?
5. People who never say thank you. Yo, you learned it on Sesame Street, kthx.
6. How those hairless cats are so fucking ugly. I would adore a hairless cat. But not if it was ugly. Then it would probably repulse me. More than the hairy cats do.
7. Those stupid commercials for Pull Ups. "My name is Gavin and I'm a big kiiiiid." Ugh. We've established this. Like six years ago. Be gone.
8. People on TV talking about how they lost this much weight by doing this, this, and this, and then you see a new picture of "them" and they've like...changed their race. I didn't know Michael Jackson was in the weight loss biz. But apparently.
9. When you're sitting in the doctor's office and some random piece of shit is like "Why are you here?". Yo, holy personal question, batman! Why are you here? Is the doctor going to pull your head out of your ass?
10. Everything.
2. Teenage girls. Especially in movie theatres. On cell phones. Giggling.
3. Facebook application invites. To stuff that is stupid. Or invites to groups that are stupid. No, I don't want to help you set a world record for the largest Facebook group. Because that's gay. And I don't give a fucking shit.
4. Stupid people on MSN. Why, oh why do you need an emoticon for every word? WHY?
5. People who never say thank you. Yo, you learned it on Sesame Street, kthx.
6. How those hairless cats are so fucking ugly. I would adore a hairless cat. But not if it was ugly. Then it would probably repulse me. More than the hairy cats do.
7. Those stupid commercials for Pull Ups. "My name is Gavin and I'm a big kiiiiid." Ugh. We've established this. Like six years ago. Be gone.
8. People on TV talking about how they lost this much weight by doing this, this, and this, and then you see a new picture of "them" and they've like...changed their race. I didn't know Michael Jackson was in the weight loss biz. But apparently.
9. When you're sitting in the doctor's office and some random piece of shit is like "Why are you here?". Yo, holy personal question, batman! Why are you here? Is the doctor going to pull your head out of your ass?
10. Everything.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Ambesol, bitches.
Dear Ambesol,
I am not a teething baby, nor am I an individual with denture pain. I am, however, a binge drinker with a big hole in my lip. Thanks to your Extra Strength formula, intended for canker sores, I can actually eat food. I can't taste it due to the chemicals, but I can eat it. Mmm!
I would like to thank you for your product. Due to the location of my wound, it is impossible to not get my tongue numb as well. This leads to slurred speech and the desire to spit every three seconds. I am quite similar to a baby. Or an old, drunken cigar smoker. Take your pick.
So anyway, just wanted to pass along my gratitude, you know. If you wanted to send me any vouchers for free product, I will be sure to tell my friends how awesome you are.
Regards,
Jebbifner Noos
(at least that's what it sounds like when I say my name)
I am not a teething baby, nor am I an individual with denture pain. I am, however, a binge drinker with a big hole in my lip. Thanks to your Extra Strength formula, intended for canker sores, I can actually eat food. I can't taste it due to the chemicals, but I can eat it. Mmm!
I would like to thank you for your product. Due to the location of my wound, it is impossible to not get my tongue numb as well. This leads to slurred speech and the desire to spit every three seconds. I am quite similar to a baby. Or an old, drunken cigar smoker. Take your pick.
So anyway, just wanted to pass along my gratitude, you know. If you wanted to send me any vouchers for free product, I will be sure to tell my friends how awesome you are.
Regards,
Jebbifner Noos
(at least that's what it sounds like when I say my name)
Musical Blasphemy.
H'okay. So usually I don't make a point of mentioning one of my most embarrassing first loves - terrible pop band Hanson, whom I have adored since 1997 when I was in grade six.
Bottom line - I dragged my then-boyfriend to see them in Toronto in 2005. I made him wait in line with me for FIVE hours in the freezing cold so we could get close to the front. I met people that I'd been talking to on message boards for years. Even though we stayed up for 24 hours straight on the streets of Toronto, I'd hasten to say it was like... the best night of my pathetic little life.
The show was amazing, even though they did play MMMBop.
Anyway, they're playing Cowboys in London on December 6th. Tickets are $34. Which is like, way less than a week's typing. And I know I don't have the money to go to this show, nor do I have any way to buy the tickets, but the 12 year old in me is sulking because it is so close and I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really want to go. And it's so close!
Sigh.
I hate you, life.
And my inner twelve year old hates you even more.
:(
(That's me on the left, Care, Seth, and Scott... what seems like 100 years ago but was only 2.)
*sulks*
Yes, laugh all you want.
The Jenn is supremely bummed about the stupidest thing in the world.
But that doesn't make it any easier to be not-bummed.
Bottom line - I dragged my then-boyfriend to see them in Toronto in 2005. I made him wait in line with me for FIVE hours in the freezing cold so we could get close to the front. I met people that I'd been talking to on message boards for years. Even though we stayed up for 24 hours straight on the streets of Toronto, I'd hasten to say it was like... the best night of my pathetic little life.
The show was amazing, even though they did play MMMBop.
Anyway, they're playing Cowboys in London on December 6th. Tickets are $34. Which is like, way less than a week's typing. And I know I don't have the money to go to this show, nor do I have any way to buy the tickets, but the 12 year old in me is sulking because it is so close and I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really want to go. And it's so close!
Sigh.
I hate you, life.
And my inner twelve year old hates you even more.
:(
(That's me on the left, Care, Seth, and Scott... what seems like 100 years ago but was only 2.)
*sulks*
Yes, laugh all you want.
The Jenn is supremely bummed about the stupidest thing in the world.
But that doesn't make it any easier to be not-bummed.
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